A recent article in Essence caught my attention, “Our Teens’ Secret Sex Lives,” by Jeannine Amber. I was shocked at how young girls are when they start talking about sex and then having sex. One expert Amber interviewed stated: “What parents don’t understand is these kids are experimenting with things in middle school that their parents did when they were in college.”
It’s hard to imagine middle school kids talking about sex and actually having a plan when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. Many experts place the blame on new technology and TV. Facebook, Twitter, text messaging, Skype, are just some of the tools kids are using to create their persona. Unless parents pay close attention to their kids, they may miss the other person kids are online. One boy interviewed in the article said girls will send pictures of their breasts or text messages telling him they are getting in the shower and they wish he was there.
TV is also being blamed for highly sexualized teens. Cable TV is full of teen moms and boys showing their tough sides. Teens talking about their latest exploits aren’t uncommon, especially in shows made specifically for teens. Not only regular TV, but porn on the internet is a growing concern for many parents. Karl Potter, an Atlanta father of a 15-year-old boy, points out that porn often features adults having sex without condoms. “Kids don’t know these people are getting tested for HIV weekly. and the women are on birth control,” he says. ” And the fantasy where the girl agrees to anything is not real either. You have to ask girls if it’s okay before you try something. And if they say no, that’s it.”
One boy talked about his choice to not have sex and not get physical with a girl. Jason, 13, is known as “the smart one” in his clique of popular boys; he has a keen perspective on the sexual conduct of many of his classmates. “If a dude has something to prove, he might try to push a girl to do something she doesn’t want to,” he says. “Because if he’s the only one of his friends who isn’t messing with a girl, he’ll be an outcast. Like, I was on Facebook and a guy posted that he wasn’t ready for sex yet. All his friends called him gay.” Boys need to be told that sex doesn’t make them manly.
Howard Stevenson, associate professor in the Graduate School of Education at the University of Pennsylvania, says parents need to be cognizant of the pressure adolescent boys are under to appear masculine, and how traumatized they can be by premature sexual activity. “We need to provide other examples of manhood so boys can try to prove themselves in ways other than acting out sexually,” says Stevenson. Parents can point out characteristics they deem valuable in a man-such as self-discipline, loyalty and integrity-and give their son opportunities to develop these traits.
As a society, we call out girls who are sexually active. They are seen as easy, sluts, girls with loose morals. Where is the pressure on boys? Why don’t we start telling boys that being sexually active is not making them men. We parents need to talk with our kids, boys and girls. In this society it may mean talking to them earlier than we want to, but we have to be there for our kids. We need to leave the judgement behind and listen to what they have to say. Sometimes, that may mean biting our tongue and listening to their honest feelings. Instead of berating them for their feelings, we need to listen and explain the reality of being sexually active.
What do you teach your kids about sex? Do you tell them it’s your way or the highway or do you listen to them and try to help them get through their feelings concerning sex?
