The other day, my 16-year-old daughter casually brought up the fact that as of September of next year, she will officially be “an adult”. Eighteen. I think I choked on the water I was drinking because my mom brain couldn’t comprehend this fact – because it can’t be right! There is no possible way my baby girl is turning 18, and more importantly there is no possible way I am old enough to have an adult daughter!
She just started her first day of Kindergarten.
She just learned how to read.
I just sang her lullabies to sleep.
I just taught her how to tie her shoes.
Didn’t she just start middle school??
SIGH.
The fact that my baby girl is growing up so quickly is both a joy to watch and a sobering reminder of how quickly her childhood has gone by. I also have a 13-year-old daughter and 9 year-old-son, and now more than ever I am cherishing these formative years, and learning that the older they get, the less of a direct influence we have on them. Our time spent with them becomes less as school, friends and other activities slowly seep into their schedules. It’s a natural progression of them becoming more independent, but at the same time they still need to feel close to us, and they still need parenting. How do we bridge that gap as parents? How do we maintain a close relationship with them the older they get? Here are some habits I have formed that have helped me to stay close to my children during their teen years. Even if your children are younger, they are good habits to start practicing now.
1. Make time each and every day to talk about their day. We all get busy, and we happen to fall into “habit phrases” we say to our kids such as “I love you”, and “how was your day?” These are often met with habit answers our kids form, like “love you too” and “fine”. Bottom line is it’s not much of a connection or a conversation. Every day I spend about an hour and a half driving my kids to and from school. I have designated this as catch up time. I ask my kids what activities/projects they have coming up, what friend drama is going on, and more engaging questions so I really learn about their day. We also use this time to laugh and joke around and sing along to the radio. Sometimes you have to create quality time, even if it’s during running errands! The point is have daily quality conversations – any way you can get them!
2. Eat dinner together. I can’t stress this one enough. There are lots of reasons to make this a family habit, and I believe it becomes even more important the older they get! Here are five good reasons to make family dinners a regular habit.
3. Put electronic devices away in the car and at the dinner table. We don’t allow phones at the dinner table, because that is family time, and I don’t like my kids being glued to them in the car either, because that is also a great time to corner them for some good conversation! I am on my computer a lot because I work from home, but I need my kids to know they are my first priority, so I have to designate times that electronics are simply put away.
4. Know their technology. Are you familiar with what apps your kids are using, and their activity on these apps? I have accounts on all of the same social media platforms my children do, and I make it a habit to check in on their accounts to see what they’re posting and what others are posting as well. Get to know the latest trends when it comes to teens and technology. The worst thing you can do is be in the dark when it comes to their online activity. If you want to stay connected with your teen, that should also include their life online.
5. Get to know their friends. If your child is mentioning names you’ve never heard or suddenly wanting to hang out with kids you don’t know, this is a warning sign to get more involved. It is imperative that you know your child’s friends, and not only know them, but get to know them. Have them over and chat with them. Build a relationship of trust with them. This will help them and your children be more open about their activities and who they’re with in the future.
6. Make physical touch a priority. “Mother of Family Therapy” psychotherapist Virginia Satir said that people “need four hugs a day for survival, eight hugs a day for maintenance, and 12 hugs a day for growth.” This most definitely applies to teenagers too! Just because they have grown older, doesn’t mean the hugs need to grow old too. Make it a priority to hug your kids as they get older, touch their arm while they’re talking to you, mess up your son’s hair playfully, or rub their back while watching TV. Give them hugs good night! Humans need touch at every stage of life.
7. Be interested in their interests. Trust me, the last thing I want to do is play Minecraft. But I’ve done it. I don’t really want to watch Dr. Who either, but I have. Why? Because my son is obsessed, and I want him to know that his world is important to me. What he loves is important, because I love him. It doesn’t mean you have to join them in activities you find boring all the time, but make it a point to be excited about the things they are excited about! Rave about the new world they built, ask about the series they’re reading or new band they love to listen to. This helps your child feel validated. It comes in handy when they’re older and have bigger serious interests like boyfriends and girlfriends! Keep those lines of communication open!
8. Say sorry. As your kids get older they need to see your faults, and they also need to see you admitting to them… and when necessary apologizing for them too. Faults should never be something we try to hide, or make our children feel embarrassed about having. Showing humility to your child and saying sorry to them when you’ve done wrong strengthens your relationship and teaches unconditional love and acceptance. They will be more willing to come to you with their mistakes in the future when they see that you’re human too. We teach our children consequences when they do something wrong, and we should teach them we are willing to accept consequences also.
9. Share a hobby. As noted above, you will not share all of your child’s interests, and they certainly won’t share all of yours! However, it’s important to find one or two activities that you do enjoy doing together. Make it your “thing”. Whether it’s board games, gardening, hiking, movies, going to concerts, sewing or cooking. Find something, and do it together regularly! These are great memory makers!
10. Let them fail. From the first day we became parents, it was survival mode! We spent our days feeding, nurturing and keeping our little ones safe on a day to day basis. It is hard to break that habit of wanting to keep them safe at all times, and being there for them 24/7, but it’s necessary. Our children will get hurt, both physically and emotionally and we can’t always prevent it, and that’s a good thing, I promise. They have their own journey to travel, and need to learn how to deal with disappointment and pain. Micro-managing every aspect of their life can protect them from the world, but it won’t allow them to develop the necessary independent skills they need to thrive as an adult. We can’t always prevent failure and pain in their lives, but we can be a place for them to land when they’re hurting. A safe place they will always call home.
