You can’t-just like you can’t make sure you’ll get that 10 percent stock market return every year and retire in Fiji.
But you can significantly increase the likelihood of your child turning out right. Here are three guidelines that have become confidence-builders with parents in my family counseling practice.
Let’s first make sure these two important expectations are in place:
Be clear about your top five values. Character traits usually are in the mix: trustworthy, hardworking, compassionate, and so forth. Post your values where they can be noticed daily.
Don’t expect to be a perfect parent; it’s not possible. Strive for being an improving parent. You do know what’s best for your child, even though Aunt Hattie’s criticism during the last family gathering made you think twice. And you are putting your best effort forward most of the time? That’s plenty good.
Once you’ve managed the above expectations, try these confidence-building guidelines.
- Make values a part of your daily family life. Using trustworthiness as an example, try to show it daily and insist upon all family members making this value a habit. And don’t forget to put compassionate relationships toward the top of your “to do” values list. Your child will live longer (less chance for heart problems) and be a happier person.
- Make independence a daily affair. Give your child responsibilities from early on and seriously consider encouraging your teenager to work part time. From the minute your child can talk, always encourage her independent thinking. For example, encourage your child to find solutions to correct a mistake, and allow her to express opinions that are different than yours. Independent thinking fosters self-discipline-a great parenting outcome.
- Make warmth and firmness your parenting motto to turbocharge the likelihood of your child turning out right. A secure attachment requires warmth. In fact, it’s essential for your child to be emotionally and physically healthy. Along the way, self-control must be learned, and consistent firmness is the only way to go. Strive for 60 percent consistency and you’ll be in the top 10 percent of your parenting graduation class.
One last thing: Trust your intuition about what you need to do. You know your child far better than any expert or relative. And you have years of experience on which to draw based upon what worked with you as a child. Use outside information to improve the parts that are not working and stick to your guns with what you think is important.
Lesson Learned: Put forth your best effort to achieve these three guidelines and your child will have the best chance to turn out right.
This is the latest parenting post from our expert family therapist, Gary Unruch MSW, LCSW. If you have a question for him click here.
