Divorce is tough on all parties involved. It’s tough on couples dealing with the formal end of their relationship as married partners, and also tough on children who are coping with the emotional fallout and a whole new way of life. It’s even harder if the parent who has left is not reliable when it comes to visitation arrangements. For these reasons, it’s important to help children learn how to deal with the situation in the best possible way. Here are some things you can do to make coping with divorce a bit easier on your kids.
Tell Them You Love Them
It seems obvious, but this is a time when your child certainly needs to hear it. You can never say it enough. Divorce is a huge and scary topic for kids, and they may mistakenly believe that something they did may have contributed to the breakup, and they may blame themselves. It’s important for them to know that this isn’t the case and that both parents love them, even if their parents no longer love each other.
This is especially true if your former spouse does not show up on time for visits or special outings. Reassure your children that their parent still loves them, even though he/she may do things that hurt.
Have Alternate Plans in Place
If your ex-spouse makes it a habit of not showing up and causing constant disappointment, you’ll want to have alternate plans on standby for the next time it happens. Set an amount of time to wait, like 30 minutes, and then move on. Go to the movies, the park or the mall. Have a picnic or arrange a last-minute play date. At least doing these activities will be better than waiting around or becoming upset at the no-show spouse. Tell your child that you understand he or she is disappointed and listen if he or she needs to vent.
Keep the Lines of Communication Open
Sometimes, the absent parent needs to hear from the child and not the former spouse if something he/she is doing is causing pain. If your child is upset about constant no-shows, have him or her talk to the other parent about how he or she is feeling. It can be empowering for a child to vent his or her frustration and to know that he or she did all that can be done to remedy the situation. If that seems too hard, your child can also write an email or a letter.
Be Open to Visitation Schedule Changes
Maybe the visitation or custody schedule you have in place is not working. It’s important to remain flexible with these arrangements in order to ensure visits go smoothly. This can be as simple as making schedule changes between you and your former spouse or through your custody lawyer. If you identify a problem, it should be remedied as soon as possible for the sake of your children.
Keep the Fights – and the Tears – to Yourselves
Avoid fighting in front of the children at all costs. Wait until they’re either not around or over the phone after they are in bed. Why add to the trauma?
Along that same line, keeps things civil when your spouse comes to pick up your child for visitation time. Be courteous and polite so that the situation can be as peaceful as possible. If this is too tough on you, consider meeting at a friend’s house, restaurant or some other neutral ground.
When it’s time to say goodbye for visitation, keep your emotions in check. Smile and avoid tears. Wear dark glasses if it’s too hard. You don’t want your child to feel guilty about visiting his or her father and making you feel bad. It may be hard, but keep those tears at bay until your child is gone.
Let Your Child Vent
The process of divorce takes time, energy and causes lots of pain for everyone involved. Therefore, you want to be open when your child wants to talk about his or her feelings, at any time. Be sure to listen and acknowledge his or her pain and disappointment rather than downplay it. Don’t say things like, “Everything will be all right.” This makes it seem like divorce is not that big of a deal, when it is in fact life-altering. Instead, be a <em><strong>supportive and empathetic listener</strong></em>. Sometimes, just listening is the best thing you can do.
This is a trying time for your whole family, but hopefully these tips will make it a bit easier for your children to cope with the end of your marriage and family as you know it. Help them transition to a new kind of family life in the best possible way that you can, and above all always give your full support and love.
| Savannah Marie is a mom and a writer. She enjoys spending time with her family, reading anything she can get her hands on and learning to balance work and home life.
<em><strong>Click here to read more of Savannah’s articles!</strong></em> |
