Being married to the military for almost two decades has perks: living in new places, making new friends, experiencing new cultures, pride in the good work your husband does. However, there are negatives: leaving those new friends, moving for the umpteenth time, having your husband gone for long periods of time, seeing the changes in your husband’s persona when he returns. Honestly, we used to downplay the whole PTSD thing. “It’s just a phase” or “Life moves on and so should you.” I guess we hoped these things were true and the demons of war wouldn’t follow us around the rest of our life.
Unfortunately, that is not the case. PTSD is not just a phase, it is never easy to deal with, and it needs to be addressed. We as a society need to understand that most military members who have been in combat will experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder on some level. Humans were not made to deal with the horrors of war. Men, women, and children who have seen death and destruction cannot just put it out of their minds. It is not something to be ashamed of or ignored. It is a fact of life for many military members and needs to be treated the same as a physical injury.
For some people PTSD is severe and can cause memory problems, flashbacks, nightmares, self-destruction, hallucinations, and more. Other times it isn’t so severe, but still impacts life in the form of insomnia, guilt, feelings of hopelessness, inability to focus, and more. Many times these issues can lead a person to try and repress the memories through alcohol or drugs. If they don’t have the tools to deal with these emotions in a positive way, the only option is negative responses. 22 Veterans and 1 Active Duty Soldier commit suicide every single day. According to Stop Soldier Suicide, these military members are “Burdened with the stigma associated with mental health issues and the military “shame” surrounding PTS (Post Traumatic Stress), they instead turn to suicide as their only option to relieve suffering.”
It is that serious and it is time that we, as a society, stop the culture of shame. I know many soldiers who did not need someone to tell them to get over with it and move on. They needed, and still need, someone to say what you’re feeling is normal and let’s talk about it. My husband was never given the chance to talk about the experiences he had and things he saw. After years of those experiences and pushing it away, it finally overflowed and as a result he ended up in a bad place emotionally.
Spouses may not see combat up close, but we are the ones who see what soldiers bring home with them. We see the pain and hurt. I can remember my husband questioning humanity after some of the horrific things he saw. Thankfully, he ultimately found help. He talked about his experiences, he learned how to cope and live with his emotions. The memories may never go away, but they won’t take him away from his life. We haven’t shared everything with everyone. Many people would look at our family and never guess all that we’ve struggled through. My husband is very private and doesn’t invite others into his battle with PTSD.
There is no simple fix or magic pill for PTSD. As a spouse, watching him go through the pain, I feel lost. How am I supposed to help him? I’m not a therapist or counselor, I’m just someone who loves him and wants him to find peace. The first thing that helped me was to make sure he was getting the care he needed. I told him that I absolutely did not feel shame or embarrassment because he was suffering from PTSD. I asked him if we could go to counseling together if he didn’t want to go alone. I educated myself on the issues and how they were impacting my husband. One of the best resources I found was the SIDRAN Institute. They are a nonprofit organization that helps people understand, recover from, and treat traumatic stress and offers a referral list of therapists for PTSD.
There is no ending to our story because each day offers a chance of hope and healing. The mantra “One day at a time” is true in our life. He achieves goals for himself and comes to terms with the memories. I support him in his healing. As a family we strive for our normal and have created a loving and peaceful environment where each family member is able to grow. It won’t always be easy or simple, but we feel that being open and honest about our journey helps us find that peace and contentment.
Here are some helpful resources if you have a loved one dealing with PTSD.
“Veterans Crises Line”- USA
Phone: 1-800-273-8255 press 1
To protect the family from undue stress this post did not include the author’s name or family member names.
