Before you get all excited, this post is not a license to scream, punch, throw a temper tantrum or see how many dishes you can break in one session in front of the kids.
What it is, is a fresh perspective on how hashing it out with your significant other in the presence of the kids from time to time can actually be good for them. Yes, kids need to see conflict, as shocking as that statement may seem at first. The key is that they need to see healthy conflict. Here are a few benefits – yes, benefits – of fighting in front of your kids.
Teaching Conflict Resolution
While it’s true that forcing children to witness physical fights and uncontrolled verbal rage can be a form of emotional abuse, never allowing them to witness the slightest disagreement can be almost as damaging. The difference is that you won’t see the damage done by the latter right away – it may not even surface until the child is grown and in a marriage of his or her own. By this time, those unrealistic ideas of what healthy relationships look like are firmly imprinted and quite difficult to overcome.
If children are never exposed to disagreements, how are they supposed to deal with conflict when they are exposed to the world? If a child thinks that love equates to total peace, what is that child going to think when he or she has that first inevitable argument with a romantic interest? How will that child know that it’s okay for him or her to even have a different opinion from others, much less how to express that opinion without simply backing down to make the peace?
Fighting the Right Way
In the interest of teaching healthy conflict resolution, go ahead and disagree with your significant other in the presence of mini-witnesses from time to time. Here are some tips for making sure you don’t cross the line and that you’re actually teaching a lesson rather than “proving your case”:
1. Act like adults. No rabbit punches allowed, be they verbal or physical. Don’t name call, drag up old offenses, make threats or raise your voices to the point of yelling. Don’t accuse each other. Instead, make a point to listen to your opposite’s entire case, and then repeat the main points to be sure you understand. Then take your turn to calmly explain your position and allow your partner to repeat it back to you.
Active listening such as this shows kids how important it is to really focus on what someone else is saying, especially when you disagree. It shows them that emotions can sometimes make us misinterpret what someone might mean, but repeating what you understand them to say gives them a chance to clear things up before a fight escalates. When both of you have made your points, let the kids see how you compromise to come to a peaceful solution.
2. Keep it appropriate. Of course, you know not to fight about your sex life in front of the kids, but there are other adult topics that many of us don’t realize are inappropriate for little ears. For example, trying to settle a disagreement over what color the new granite countertop should be is fine. It’s a difference of taste, and one that can be compromised on. Arguing over whether or not you can afford new appliances to go with the new countertop, however, is probably best kept private.
You don’t want your kids stressing about how much money you do or don’t have, or thinking that money and things are more important than the people we love. Moreover, there’s not really a compromise that you can reach here. You either have the money or you don’t, so there’s going to be a clear “winner” on this argument, and that’s something you want to avoid letting the kids see.
3.Let them see you make up. No matter how hard you try sometimes, things can get a little more heated than you meant for them to. Your kids need to see you resolve the problem, but they also need to see each of you say you’re sorry when you’ve crossed the line.
Apologizing in front of the kids does a couple of things. First, it teaches them that you should humble yourself when you’re in the wrong to make amends. Second, it lets the kids see that the two of you really are okay – that you still love each other even if you don’t always agree on everything.
Fighting in front of the kids is a delicate process, but one that shouldn’t be avoided altogether. If you are worried about an argument getting out of control, then it’s best to save it for private time. You can practice arguing peacefully and diplomatically, so the next time an opportunity to teach conflict resolution by example comes up, you’ll be ready.
| Savannah Marie is a mom and a writer. She enjoys spending time with her family, reading anything she can get her hands on and learning to balance work and home life.
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