It’s a situation none of us ever want to be in. We enter into marriage with a person we love and then together we become parents. But what happens when there is a break up? It’s one thing to no longer be married, but parenting….it’s a partnership that can’t be undone.
Co-parenting after divorce is like walking on quick sand. Sometimes the ground is solid and other times, seemingly out of nowhere, you are sinking fast and desperate. What are the top three things you can do when co-parenting with an ex:
1- Remain Calm and avoid conflict
I literally laughed as I typed this. If you have been divorced, you KNOW what I am talking about when I say “THIS ONE IS HARD!” There are a lot of emotions that are raw when it comes to divorce. The slightest thing my ex can say or even breathe near me sometimes will trigger me to be annoyed and angry.
The truth is, that doesn’t help anyone. Our battle is over. My ex and I are in new relationship, one as co-parents. Our marriage is dead…it needs to stay in the ground and stop being resurrected.
There are going to be conflict along the way, just try to be rational, compromise as much as you can, and just keep effectively communicating in a business manner.
2) Stay consistent
Kids need to know they are secure and from consistency they get security. Children of divorce often feel insecure due to the constant change that may be happening in their lives due to the divorce or separation. Try to shield your kids from as much as possible. They need to keep soccer games and slumber parties and their normal routine.
Keep a set schedule even in two households. The kids will adjust to “mommy’s house” and “daddy’s house” if that’s all they know.
I know with my son, I answer the same questions the same way, every time. When he asks about why daddy lives in a different place, I answer it in the same, even toned, calm, matter of fact tone every time and tell him it’s because we are a better family this way. It’s what works for us and families are different.
3) Keep the kids your priority – All the time
This week I posed in a family photo with my ex at my son’s kindergarten graduation. Did I want to pose with his dad? NO! But my son know has us both together for him in this photo preserved for a lifetime.
If it doesn’t have a positive outcome for my son, we don’t do it. My ex and I know if we are inconvenienced that’s fine, whatever makes it easier on our child, who never asked for his parents to choose to live apart.
Bad mouthing the other parent or putting the child in the middle is unexceptionable. If you need a 3rd party to help with decision making, get one, your child deserves the best of both of you and that needs to be made a priority.
It’s a hard road and a lot of work to co-parent with an ex, but when it comes to the welfare of your child, when you follow these 3 tips, it can change your life!
What tips do you give on co-parenting with an ex?
